I think I blame Crossfit for this more than running, but my quads are STILL screaming. I’m still walking like an old lady, still having to lower myself down into a chair, ugh. Ouchy ouchy. It definitely is DOMS – delayed onset muscle soreness.
Today was a really rough day, emotionally. I’m just having a really hard time with him still loving me and hating me all at once. He seems to feel like everything I do is somehow trying to sabotage him. I bought that new car, and I gave him back the car that was written down that I got in the divorce, and I didn’t ask for anything in return (meaning he is getting the car AND the less debt that we’d settled to balance out the car). We’d also spent $200 on fixing up his bike before splitting money. And yet, he is suspicious of my motives and said I probably only gave the car back because it’s going to have a hard time passing SMOG.
And here’s something about me – I’m a total people pleaser. I want everyone to like me. Rationally, I know that’s impossible. Hell, I’ve discussed it in therapy. And let’s just say I’m not “cured” yet. So, it’s killing me that he’s thinking badly of me. Which is kind of silly, when you think about it, cuz we’re getting DIVORCED. Of course he’s going to be upset. But here I am, being all crazy about it. It’s just such a painful time.
Adding to that, I made my first big push on the packing. I packed probably 10 boxes tonight, and things have come down off of the walls and off the tops of bookcases and such. It’s starting to feel bare. Packing is hard enough, but when you’re packing up memories, packing up the remains of your marriage, packing up all that emotional baggage… it’s really rough.
One of my friends sent me the link to this article today: Coping with Divorce .
It’s really long, so I don’t expect you to read it all or anything, but it really hits home. Here are three parts I’d like to share:
A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:
* Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)
* Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
* Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses)
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
ANYWHO, let’s talk about food. I didn’t have much of a desire for food today (as tends to happen to me when I’m really distressed) but then my stomach would start growling audibly! SO I’d have to figure stuff out.
For breakfast, I mashed a very ripe fig from Amy’s tree onto one half of this English muffin, and PB on the other. I also had a few figs in their natural form all day.
For lunch I heated up the leftover gnocchi from the other night and drizzled it with olive oil. Then I made a big spinach salad and put olive oil and vinegar on that. Then I put feta on everything. I ended up kinda eating it all together.
And for dinner, I made a chicken/veggie stir fry with brown rice, and David made a Caesar salad that I had a little of:
And now I am definitely going to bed because I am ready for this day to be over.