Trying to get my groove back

So, here’s this:

Created by MyFitnessPal – Nutrition Facts For Foods

Here’s the thing. I’m actually trying again. For realsies. Here’s what I’m doing:

1. My new eating program is one my running coach developed, using her two books – Belly Fat Blow-out and Belly Fat Blow-out 2. All real foods, avoiding the white sugars and flour, with menu plans and support though her group.

2. Next week, I (finally) have a meeting with a new doctor. In March, my company got bought out, so even though I have the same exact job, I lost my other health insurance and had to jump through a ton of hoops to figure out the new one. In that time, many of the nurses who work with me have comented on my neck – my goiter on my thyroid has definitely gotten bigger. My thyroid meds haven’t changed in a few years. This could be having a negative effect on my weight and health status.

3. Running with the WOW team 2-3 times a week. Wednesday nights track, Thursday nights at the marina, Sunday mornings various places around the bay. This has gotten increasingly hard for me – the weight gain hasn’t helped, and I’m having troubles breathing lately. This *could* be related to my thyroid as well, but I’m hesitant to blame all my issues on that.

4. Joining Curves for Women – this starts in a week. I purchased a Groupon to start, but due to my doctors appointment, running, and a hair appointment, my intake couldn’t be scheduled until next Monday. I plan on doing that 2-3 times a week as well, for maximun fat burning.

5. Tracking the foods I’m eating into MyFitnessPal, even though I’m following my coach’s eating plan. I like to see this to make sure I’m not just going crazy on portions and also to make sure I’m hitting a 1:1 ratio of protein and carbs (a very important concept in her books).

Last night, when I was mentioning what yet ANOTHER nurse at work said to me – this one who actually recently completed her NP program so is more than a nurse – Josh said to me that maybe the thyroid DOES explain some of what is going on with me. That it has surprised him to watch me following the eating plan EXACTLY, not going over on calories, not eating bread, sugar, pasta, etc, running 2 times each week, and only having lost 3 lbs in the past 2 weeks. Yes, a loss is a loss, and I was happy each time I was on the scale and saw that, but he does have a point. I’m well over 200 lbs. I’m wearing a size 18. I switched from eating chips and crackers and chicken nuggets and donuts and pizza every day to clean, healthy eating and didn’t have a dramatic drop in weight right at the beginning, which is a common thing.

But again… I don’t want to hang all my hopes on a faulty thyroid. I’ve been down that road before. I can’t blame my issues on that and pretend all the pizza, donuts, etc had NOTHING to do with my crazy weight gain in the past 6 months. Or blame my increased lethargy completely on it, eiher… of course I’m more tired with 30 more pounds and far less intensity at workouts and putting complete crap in my mouth. That’s a given.

And let’s not forget life stress… that’s never good for our health, especially not in people whose main vice is overeating like mine is! My job has been more stressful in the past 6 months than it was the previous year I was in this position, so that’s contributed. And my personal life, the one related to my future stepchildren and the custody battle between their mother and Josh, that part has reached stress of epic proportions. Imagine the nastiest divorce and custody battle you’ve ever heard of, add in violence, a life flight to a hospital and a trauma surgery, and the total loss of seeing the very young children while awaiting a hearing, and you’ll have a little picture of what my life has been like since last November. My thyroid isn’t to blame for that. Life is. And the way I handle life – that’s what is to blame. But I would not be surprised to learn that my thyroid played a small part, that it is a tiny piece of the puzzle.

To be really, really honest, the last 6-9 months have been the hardest of my life, even harder than going through my own divorce, which is how this blog was started. As a chronicle of keeping healthy when learning to be on my own. Yes, I struggled as a single person, my weight bounced up and down, I tried weird diets. But nothing could have prepared me for how I would completely give up on my own health in the face of this kind of crisis. How even though I am in a happy, stable relationship with someone who supports me in all the ways I need, that the rest of our life would be so out of control that neither of us would be able to take care of ourselves (Josh gained weight as well, but not nearly as much as me).

And the thing about overeating as a coping mechanism, as a vice, is that when it gets out of control, literally EVERYONE can see it. You can’t hide it from strangers like you can some of the other horribly unhealthy vices – drugs, alcohol, self-harm, those aren’t plastered on your body for everyone to see like fat is. They are certainly just as damaging, and many times MORE damaging, but someone at the grocery store or the restaurant or unfortunate enough to be in the airplane seat next to you as you partially hog their space, they can’t see all your demons. Just the ones in plain view.

This posting from PostSecret says exactly that:

fatjudge

I don’t want people to be able to judge me based on my excess weight. I’d rather they look at me for my smile or my laugh or my sense of fashion. Or see me as a good friend, a good stepmother, a good partner. And I’d like to see myself as those things more often – I know them to be true, but when I’m uncomfortably squishing myself into a pair of pants that used to fit, or when the stadium seats at the ballpark don’t seem to house my larger size butt as well as I remembered… in those times, I forget the good things and I’m just really sad.

But I am taking steps to change that. I have an incredibly supportive partner who is cooking meals for me and helping me stay on the eating program by eating in this fashion as well. I have an amazing running coach who sees the person I am inside and knows my struggles and continues to encourage me even though my health and running ability has gone downhill since she met me. I have health insurance and access to a doctor who can hopefully make sure everything physically is ok with me. I have the tools, and I’ve been using them now for two weeks. It’s a start.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. chezkatscuisine
    Jul 06, 2013 @ 13:01:04

    It sounds like a GREAT start to me. :) You can do it, I know you can.

    Reply

  2. Darcy Bull
    Jul 06, 2013 @ 13:25:38

    WTG – great read and awesome plans

    Reply

  3. Sydney
    Jul 06, 2013 @ 14:06:50

    So proud of you Holly – I felt like I was reading about my life – not the same situations but the stress of life has gotten to me too!
    xoxox

    Reply

  4. Jaqueline
    Jul 07, 2013 @ 09:16:12

    Oh Holly! You know I love you and I am proud of the steps you are taking to help yourself. I hope that the weight loss will help you find your confidence again. Until then, know that I have never stopped seeing your smile or hearing your laugh or admiring your sense of fashion. No matter your weight, you are always a good friend, a good stepmother, a good partner. Your friends and extended family are lucky to have you as part of their lives!

    Reply

  5. Krista
    Jul 07, 2013 @ 10:50:42

    Holly, you are such an inspiration. It sounds like you’ve been through hell and back over the past few months…and remain positive. You care so much for others and deserve to give yourself just as much love and care. I’m cheering for you! Big hug!

    Reply

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